my phone needs a breathalizer
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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