Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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