She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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