I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
