We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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