Need sex. Gaining weight.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
