guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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