this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
