Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
