She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
