Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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