If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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