just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
