I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
