i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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