Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
