Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
