So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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