dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
