So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
