community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Im part way to drunk.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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