The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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