Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
