Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
