Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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