dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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