just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
