I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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