Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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