i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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