Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
