He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
