when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
