i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
