Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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