we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
