at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
