i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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