this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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