I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
