Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
