He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize