Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
