My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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