dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
