Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
