Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
