apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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