but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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