I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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