mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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