i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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