You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Are we still banned from the library?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
