I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
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