She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
