I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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