I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
My life is pants optional.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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