Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
