Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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